The Words We Choose to Leave Behind

“My wife put me lunch” has spread across social platforms as Jose Luis struck a chord among couples. The expression nods to care and consideration being a part of relationships as Jose shows the upmost gratitude for not having to go to the gas station for lunch. A 2011 study of married couples found that both feeling and expressing gratitude were associated with greater marital satisfaction. In other words, appreciation is not merely something we experience privately; it is something that can strengthen the relationship when we give it a voice.

That gives us something worth considering: What if we became more intentional about leaving love notes in the lives of the people we love?

Not just the handwritten kind tucked into a lunch bag or slipped beneath a pillow, although those are wonderful. I mean the verbal and written words we offer throughout ordinary life – the “I appreciate you,” the “I’m proud of you,” the “I see how hard you’re working,” and the occasional “You still look good to me,” just to keep the romance department from closing for renovations.

Recently, we discussed how communication is more than a conversation. It is a permeating connection through which truth, trust, vulnerability, and understanding move between two people. Love notes are one way we intentionally cultivate that connection, and the mindset behind them matters.

Speak appreciation before it becomes an emergency.

We should not wait until our spouse is discouraged, overwhelmed, or questioning their value to tell them what we appreciate. Notice the ordinary things. The consistency. The sacrifice. The way they show up. Appreciation becomes more meaningful when it is not reserved for extraordinary occasions.

Speak to the person, 

not merely the performance.

There is a difference between saying, “You did a great job,” and saying, “I admire the way you handled that.” One celebrates an outcome; the other recognizes character. When we affirm who someone is becoming, our words can become a reminder of what they are capable of even when the day has not gone particularly well.

Make your words personal.

“Love you” is beautiful. But sometimes love deserves a little more vocabulary. “I love how you make people feel welcome.” “I appreciate your patience with me.” “You make ordinary days feel special.” “I love how you bring peace to our space.” Specificity tells someone, I am not simply saying something nice. I have been paying attention.

Use written words to 

create a lasting reminder.

A text message can brighten a day. A handwritten note can become something someone keeps. There is a particular tenderness in words that can be revisited. Notes do not have to be elaborate. Sometimes, “I know today is a lot. I’m with you,” is enough to remind someone they are not carrying life alone.

Let love notes be sincere, not strategic.

Affirmation should not become a transaction: I said something nice, so now you owe me something. Nor should it be used to avoid necessary conversations. As we discussed previously, grace does not eliminate truth. We can appreciate someone deeply and still express when a need is not being met.

Create a culture of encouragement.

When appreciation becomes part of the atmosphere, couples begin to notice more of what is good. They become more familiar with gratitude than criticism, more practiced in encouragement than complaint. That does not mean every day feels wonderful. It means the relationship has a language that can help carry it through the difficult days.

The beauty of a love note is that it does not have to be profound to be powerful. Sometimes the most meaningful words are the ones that simply say, “I see you. I value you. I’m grateful we get to do life together.”

So write the note. Send the text. Say the thing you have been thinking.

Remember: the words we choose to speak into a relationship become part of the atmosphere in which that relationship grows. Love is not only something we feel.

It is something we practice, one word at a time.

Reference: Gordon, A. M., Arnette, R. A. M., & Smith, R. E. (2011). Have you thanked your spouse today? Felt and expressed gratitude among married couples. Personality and Individual Differences, 50(3), 339–343.