An Observation for Strong Relationships
There is something golden about the poetry scene that took shape in the 1980s inside Chicago’s Green Mill. Marc Smith gathered poets and strangers into a shared experience of voice and presence with one simple instruction: don’t wait until the end of the poem to respond. If a line landed, let it be known in the moment. The crowd didn’t clap. They snapped their fingers – a quiet rhythm that said, I heard that. I felt that. Say it again.
A decade later, Def Poetry Jam carried that tradition into living rooms across the country, teaching a new generation that finger snaps were more than applause. They were recognition.
We thought about that recently while sitting in a room full of college students.
Years ago, in the early days of our friendship, Natasha wrote a line that has stayed with us ever since:
“Even though I had done the work with God on becoming whole – chiseling away the hardened wax around my heart – it was His love in James that melted all of the remaining tacky pieces of wax away.”
We shared those words expecting little more than a thoughtful pause. Instead, before we could continue, the room filled with the soft, unmistakable sound of fingers snapping. For a moment, we weren’t simply on a panel. We were standing inside a tradition that began at the Green Mill and found its way through Def Poetry Jam where truth doesn’t wait until the end to be acknowledged.
What moved us wasn’t the students’ appreciation for the words. It was what they recognized within them. Without explanation, they understood that healing is rarely a solo achievement.
That moment challenged one of our culture’s favorite assumptions.
We celebrate independence as the highest form of freedom. We admire self-made stories, self-sufficiency, and “bet on yourself” mindsets. Yet, the strongest marriages tell a different story. True freedom isn’t independence from your spouse. It is the security of being fully known and still chosen.
Personal growth matters. The work we do with God spiritually, emotionally, and mentally cannot be outsourced. Becoming whole is the foundation that allows love to be authentic rather than performative.
But marriage offers something equally sacred: the opportunity to experience God’s love through covenantal partnership. There are places in the human heart that only awaken through trust, challenge, forgiveness, and faithful love.
That is the beauty of interdependence.
Independence says, I don’t need you.
Dependence says, I can’t function without you.
Interdependence says, I am whole enough to stand, yet humble enough to walk beside you, because together we become more than either of us could become alone.
Perhaps that’s why those finger snaps have stayed with us. They weren’t celebrating a clever phrase. They were the sound of recognition, affirming a truth our hearts already know: we were never created for isolation.
Perhaps our strongest relationships deserve their own declaration. Not one of independence, but of interdependence. It’s a declaration that says: “I choose to know you. I choose to be known. And in that sacred exchange, we both become freer than we could ever be alone.”
